A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey

From the Introduction:
Okay, first of all, if you're looking for the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E.L. James, this ain't it. Sorry about that, dang those stupid search engines, now go and try again. Second, what you're reading here is just for guys. If you're a woman, please stop reading right now and go back to the real book. There's nothing here to interest you.
Are they gone? Good. Okay guys, now pay attention. This is important. You may be here because your girlfriend or wife was excited about the previously mentioned book. Perhaps she even wanted you to read it. She probably said it would spice up your sex life, and what guy wouldn't be in favor of that?
Trust me - you do not want to read the book. It was written by a woman, for women. Most guys will find it dull, stupid, tiresome and waaaay too long. The ratio of tedious inner female monologue to sex scenes is about fifty shades of boring to one.
However, here's the rub: You do need to know something about it. Why? Because your odds of having hot sex with your sweetie will go up exponentially if you do. For some reason, a lot of women absolutely love this book. It gets them all hot and bothered, in a good way. You've probably heard that it's been called "mommy porn," and you're like, "okay, porn is good, what's not to like about that?" But guess what? There are no pictures! Seriously, you'll see more skin in a Sears' ad than this book.
But hold on cowboy, you're in luck. I've done all the hard work for you. I've plodded through the mind numbing boring stuff (and believe me, there's whole lot of it.) I'll give you the plot summary, highlight the sex scenes, and more importantly, teach you the things guys need to learn from this book. Just look for my tips throughout. You can thank me now or later. Consider it my gift to mankind, emphasis on the "man." Ready? Set. Go!