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A celestial eviction notice. A unionized chrome toaster. And an eighty-million-ton cosmic wrecking ball ready to turn Manhattan into an interstate off-ramp.
Architect Mable Diego just wanted her building permits stamped, her drafting table level, and her plumbing to stop singing B-flat minor fugues. Instead, her chaotic live-in boyfriend—Zant, the former High Enforcer of the Seventh Horizon who possesses twelve feet of blueprint-tattooed wings and a deep spiritual devotion to pink novelty bunny slippers—has officially monetized their bathroom medicine cabinet as an interdimensional tollbooth.
Domestic bliss doesn't stand a chance when the Tenth Horizon's supreme bureaucrat, Lord Tetragrammaton the Rectilinear, declares the entire physical universe an "unregistered structural liability". His master plan? Flatten Earth's crooked, organic mess into eighty lanes of smooth, sterile cosmic freight lanes.
With a seventy-two-hour countdown ticking in radioactive chartreuse across the sky, Mable and Zant are forced into the most illegal municipal renovation project in history:
Operation Guerrilla Drywall: Teaming up with cynical union ironworkers to saw Manhattan's brownstones off their foundations and hang the entire borough on heavy-duty brass piano hinges. A Hostile Bureaucratic Takeover: Housing Arch-Auditor Cassian—a demoted cosmic pencil-pusher trapped in nineteen-dollar khakis with his foot encased in twenty-eight pounds of cured lavender terrazzo—who weaponizes expired Sunday grocery circulars to sue the universe into submission. Mechanical Mutiny: Negotiating labor treaties with picketing upright vacuum cleaners and a sentient toaster capable of launching surface-to-air croutons. The Bodega Sovereign: Securing legal title rights alongside Barnaby, a feral, one-eared orange cat who treats cosmic concrete like a personal heated sunbed.From subway tracks haunted by ancient Babylonian ox-carts to high-stakes drafting heists in the negative fourth dimension, Mable must wield her trusty twenty-four-inch stainless-steel ruler to prove that life isn't meant to fit into a spreadsheet.
Equal parts Douglas Adams wit, Terry Pratchett heart, and unapologetic romantic chaos, My Guardian Angel is an Absolute Menace is a riotous urban fantasy comedy about bending the rules, breaking the building codes, and fighting for a world glorious enough to be crooked.