Numb, Party of One - A Memoir of Healing from Dissociation

Maria Cassano thought she was a sociopath—until a trauma therapist diagnosed her with a dissociative disorder and helped her feel again.

On the bright side, Maria Cassano was always the calmest person in the room. On the not-so-bright side, she was pretty sure she’d die alone. All logic and no empathy makes Maria a terrible girlfriend.

Then came the diagnosis: trauma-induced dissociation, not sociopathy. According to her new therapist, this numbness had a name—Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder (DPDR)—and Maria supposedly had profound emotions buried deep inside. Unfortunately, if she ever wanted to feel them, she’d first need to dig them up with intensive trauma therapy.

Cue Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a psychotherapy treatment that uses bilateral stimulation to heal PTSD. In layman’s terms, you focus on your most messed up memories and watch a glowing square bounce back and forth. It cracked Maria wide open, but being human again was a whole other can of worms—especially when it came to dating in her thirties.

As the failed flings piled up, Maria found that before she could move forward, she had to go back. Back to her brother’s suicide journal she found at seven years old. Back to her parents’ broken marriage. Back to her best friend’s untimely death. Back to all the things that made her a relationship-dodging robot in the first place.