To Be Determined

Some lives are shaped by love. Others are forged through survival. But for some, the love of a mother—imperfect and flawed though it may be—remains the thread that holds them together when everything else unravels. Even in the darkest of times, when the world felt cruel and uncaring, the memory of that love, however fractured, was a quiet beacon. It wasn't always protective or nurturing, but it was a love that fought to survive, just like the child who carried it. This is the story of a childhood marked by neglect, violence, and silence, and a life spent carrying wounds no one could see. From unstable homes and domestic abuse to unspeakable betrayal, loss, and repeated brushes with death, this memoir follows one person's journey through trauma that should have broken them. Through military service, addiction, grief, and the haunting loss of friends and family to suicide, the author confronts pain head-on, never sugarcoating the darkness, yet refusing to let it have the final word. What emerges is not just a story of suffering, but one of endurance, self-reckoning, and the slow, fragile process of choosing to live. In the face of relentless hardship, it's a mother's love—imperfect, yes—but still a guiding force that somehow stays with you. It may not always show up in ways we expect, but in the end, it's the love that carried them through. This book is for anyone who has survived what they were never meant to endure and kept going anyway. A raw, unfiltered testament to resilience, truth, and the courage it takes to stay alive. And to the love that, in its own quiet way, never lets you forget that you're worthy of surviving.